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A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Handgun
Handguns
Remote
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Makes

More quotes by David Letterman

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Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now I know this guy is presidential material.
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Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.
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Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
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When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense.
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Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.
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If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.
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Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.
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Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.
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Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he's retooling. He's adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?
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How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.
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Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.
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John Walker, while he was in Afghanistan, told people his goal was to have four wives. ... Do we need any further proof that this guy is out of his mind? Four wives? That's how al Qaeda gets you to become a suicide bomber.
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Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.
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Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.
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Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
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Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.
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Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
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Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.
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I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means a great deal to me -- the other cult members got together and they all took me out to see Star Wars.
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Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.
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