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Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, Pay? I was hitchhiking.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Humor
Fun
Boiled
Funny
Tourists
Hard
Driver
Drivers
Destination
York
Pay
More quotes by David Letterman
Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes ... He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping ... He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership.... He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.
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While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.
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He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.
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Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.
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Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.
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The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.
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Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
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Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.
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A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
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The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.
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I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.
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Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.
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The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to that is yes I have. I have had sex with women who worked on this show. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would, especially for the women.
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Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.
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All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.
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Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.
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My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.
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Life experience is the best teacher.
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How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.
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I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.
David Letterman
