Quote

Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

David Letterman

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Today
Martha
Stewart
Alert
Orange
Terror
Prison
Raised
Getting

More quotes by David Letterman

Image
I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'
David Letterman
Image
Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.
David Letterman
Image
Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.
David Letterman
Image
Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.
David Letterman
Image
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
David Letterman
Image
Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.
David Letterman
Image
United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
David Letterman
Image
Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.
David Letterman
Image
I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.
David Letterman
Image
How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.
David Letterman
Image
Newt Gingrich has criticized 'New York elites' who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.
David Letterman
Image
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
David Letterman
Image
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
David Letterman
Image
The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.
David Letterman
Image
While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.
David Letterman
Image
Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.
David Letterman
Image
I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.
David Letterman
Image
The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.
David Letterman
Image
Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.
David Letterman
Image
Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.
David Letterman