Quote

Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

David Letterman

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Today
Martha
Stewart
Alert
Orange
Terror
Prison
Raised
Getting

More quotes by David Letterman

Image
Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.
David Letterman
Image
It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.
David Letterman
Image
Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.
David Letterman
Image
You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.
David Letterman
Image
I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
David Letterman
Image
Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.
David Letterman
Image
Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.
David Letterman
Image
Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.
David Letterman
Image
Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.
David Letterman
Image
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
David Letterman
Image
John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.
David Letterman
Image
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
David Letterman
Image
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
David Letterman
Image
It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.
David Letterman
Image
President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.
David Letterman
Image
Honey, what happened to ladies first? Husband replies, That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!
David Letterman
Image
The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.
David Letterman
Image
Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.
David Letterman
Image
Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.
David Letterman
Image
President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.
David Letterman