Quote

Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

David Letterman

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Raised
Getting
Today
Martha
Stewart
Alert
Orange
Terror
Prison

More quotes by David Letterman

Image
How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke. ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in.
David Letterman
Image
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.
David Letterman
Image
Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money.
David Letterman
Image
Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.
David Letterman
Image
You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
David Letterman
Image
And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.
David Letterman
Image
Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.
David Letterman
Image
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
David Letterman
Image
Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.
David Letterman
Image
I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.
David Letterman
Image
President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.
David Letterman
Image
The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.
David Letterman
Image
He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.
David Letterman
Image
I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.
David Letterman
Image
Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.
David Letterman
Image
A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.
David Letterman
Image
So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.
David Letterman
Image
Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?
David Letterman
Image
A small handgun makes any TV remote control.
David Letterman
Image
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
David Letterman