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Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Wife
Quite
Zoos
Animal
Mitt
Guy
Fired
Point
Romney
Bought
Animals
More quotes by David Letterman
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When Martha gets out she'll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that'll teach her. She's only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock.
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President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.
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Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?
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You know, we had the elections earlier in the week, and a dead woman, in Pennsylvania, somehow was on the ballot and she was elected to city council. A dead woman actually elected! And I'm thinking, well, I guess there is still hope for Al Gore.
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I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
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I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.
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Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
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It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.
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You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?
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Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.
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We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
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How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.
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Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.
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When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'
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Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.
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And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe.
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CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.
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