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There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
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Television Producer
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Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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More quotes by David Letterman
Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.
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There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
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I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.
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Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.
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Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.
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Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
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Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people start showing up in church. So, Ken Lay shows up in church this weekend. Church officials are still looking for the collection plates.
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And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.
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Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
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Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.
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A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
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Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.
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This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.
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According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
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Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.
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I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.
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One of the remarkable things about being 19 is that you can break open a case of warm beer at midnight and still be wide-eyed and alert for your eight-a.m. class. And that gave me the false impression that my life would always be like that.
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It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
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John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican.
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America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
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