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I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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Bodily
Use
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Never
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Function
York
Drug
Sex
Difference
More quotes by David Letterman
Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.
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And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe.
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The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.
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Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.
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The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.
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You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.
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There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
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The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
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Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.
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It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.
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Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.
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You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?
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As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
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Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers calm their frightened children by telling them it's just gunfire.
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The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.
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The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.'
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Valentine's Day money-saving tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid. Forget rose petals. Sprinkle the bed with sliced beets!
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Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.
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Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'
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A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
David Letterman
