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I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Shipwreck
Resourceful
Hostage
Prison
Great
Make
Good
More quotes by David Letterman
Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.
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Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.
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During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!
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Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.
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Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
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Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.
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Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.
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There is so much oil now in the Gulf of Mexico, and you can thank the folks of British Petroleum for this, so much oil in the Gulf, you can now park on it.
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But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'
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This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.
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Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.
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Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.
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I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.
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The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?
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I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.
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So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.
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You know, we had the elections earlier in the week, and a dead woman, in Pennsylvania, somehow was on the ballot and she was elected to city council. A dead woman actually elected! And I'm thinking, well, I guess there is still hope for Al Gore.
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There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.
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Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.
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Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.
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