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Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Night
Stink
Scare
Drunk
Clubs
Dangerous
Everybody
Dark
More quotes by David Letterman
Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.
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Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'
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Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.
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I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.'
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Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.
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John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message.
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There are so many flavors of Coke now - Coke with lemon, Coke with vanilla, Coke with lime, Cherry Coke, and they've just brought out another new flavor - Coke with Pepsi.
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Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'
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Them bats is smart. They use radar!
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Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.
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In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal.
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America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
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The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.
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The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.
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Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.
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The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
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The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
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Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.
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