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I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
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Television Presenter
Television Producer
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Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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More quotes by David Letterman
When Martha gets out she'll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that'll teach her. She's only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock.
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Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.
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President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.
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Any online gamblers here? Well, Congress is looking in shutting that down.There's going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling and they're going to shut it down. And when they get done with that, they're going to look into this North Korean thing.
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The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
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I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on.
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You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy just get ready.
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At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.
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Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
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There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
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A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
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Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.
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Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.
David Letterman
Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'
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I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it's too cold.
David Letterman
I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.
David Letterman
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.
David Letterman
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
David Letterman
Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?
David Letterman
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
David Letterman