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I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
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Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
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Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Rain
Asked
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Phil
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Doctors
More quotes by David Letterman
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You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
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There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.
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Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'
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Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought, 'Really? She's the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'
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If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.
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I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.
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Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.
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I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.
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During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!
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Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother.
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Honey, what happened to ladies first? Husband replies, That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!
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Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.
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Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.
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He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.
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I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit.
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The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
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Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he's retooling. He's adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?
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