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Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
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Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
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Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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Romney
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More quotes by David Letterman
Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.
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The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
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I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.
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But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'
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He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.
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While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.
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President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.
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Keep in mind that your individual vote doesn't mean anything.
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I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.
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Do good things for other people.
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Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.
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We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.
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Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.
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President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.
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Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.
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There just isn't enough televised Chess
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Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.
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I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.
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I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.
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The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.
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