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Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
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Television Presenter
Television Producer
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Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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More quotes by David Letterman
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The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
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The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag
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Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.
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The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.
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The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called ' Irony.gov. '
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Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers calm their frightened children by telling them it's just gunfire.
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The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.
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Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.
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All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.
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Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?
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We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
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Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.
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Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God's sake!
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The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?
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I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.
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Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.
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