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Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Better
Gum
Children
Chewing
Censorship
Torture
China
Labor
Child
Problem
More quotes by David Letterman
The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?
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Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
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How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.
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Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
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And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.
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Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God's sake!
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New York is great though. If you?re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.
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The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.
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Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'
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In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?
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Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.
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You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.
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Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
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Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.
David Letterman
The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.
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We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
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Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.
David Letterman
Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.
David Letterman
Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'
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A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.
David Letterman
