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People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
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Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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More quotes by David Letterman
Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.
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I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.
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George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.
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I spend most of my free time under the house.
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Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.
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The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?
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Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
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Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.
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You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.
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President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.
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Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
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While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.
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Any online gamblers here? Well, Congress is looking in shutting that down.There's going to be a massive congressional investigation of online gambling and they're going to shut it down. And when they get done with that, they're going to look into this North Korean thing.
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The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
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Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.
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Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother.
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Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.
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Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that's missing an hour.
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George W. said he doesn't watch television. And, of course, well - the reason for that is the Clintons stole the White House satellite system.
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This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.
David Letterman
