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Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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Middleton
Kate
William
Prince
Immigration
More quotes by David Letterman
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.
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Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now I know this guy is presidential material.
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I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.
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You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?
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I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
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Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?
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You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.
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I spend most of my free time under the house.
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And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.
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Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.
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I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?
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Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.
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Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.
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This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.
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The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
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Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.
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Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.
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Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is Hey taxi. Two is What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales? And three is Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.
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Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.
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