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Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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More quotes by David Letterman

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Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.
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President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.
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How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.
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How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.
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We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.
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According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
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When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'
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Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.
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President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too.
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The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.
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Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.
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Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?
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The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.
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According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
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United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
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This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.
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Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.
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Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?
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