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It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
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Television Producer
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Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
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More quotes by David Letterman
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it?
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I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.
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When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense.
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Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.
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Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
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Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.
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I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.
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The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.
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The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.
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Now all of us can talk to the NSA -- just by dialing any number.
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The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?
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This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.
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The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
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Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?
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Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.
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How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.
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Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.
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Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.
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I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.
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The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
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