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Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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More quotes by David Letterman

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As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
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Love: You can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun.
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CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk.
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Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.
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Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.
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Valentine's Day money-saving tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid. Forget rose petals. Sprinkle the bed with sliced beets!
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Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.
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The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'
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This isn't brain surgery it's just television.
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Chi-Os were ideal partners for all occasions. They were discrete, desirable, tactful, polite, and fun... Every mom dreamed of her son coming home with a Chi Omega, a woman's woman.
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When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'
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The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.
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I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.
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I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on.
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The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.
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Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.
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The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?
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Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
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I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.
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The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
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