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Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
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Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
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David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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More quotes by David Letterman

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Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.
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The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.
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This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.
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Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.
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Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'
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Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.
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I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.
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When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do.
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George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.
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If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary Coleman 3) The television viewing public
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They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.
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Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.
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One of the remarkable things about being 19 is that you can break open a case of warm beer at midnight and still be wide-eyed and alert for your eight-a.m. class. And that gave me the false impression that my life would always be like that.
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Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.
David Letterman
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Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
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According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
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What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids -- and he hates Americans for their excessive lifestyle.
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Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.
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But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'
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Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
David Letterman