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Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
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Indianapolis
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David Michael Letterman
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More quotes by David Letterman

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Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.
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Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.
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Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.
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Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.
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The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.
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One of the remarkable things about being 19 is that you can break open a case of warm beer at midnight and still be wide-eyed and alert for your eight-a.m. class. And that gave me the false impression that my life would always be like that.
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Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.
David Letterman
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Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!
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President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.
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Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.
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President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope.
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This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.
David Letterman
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Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
David Letterman
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Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.
David Letterman
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Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.
David Letterman
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Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?
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Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
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Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.
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Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
David Letterman
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You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?
David Letterman