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Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
People
Everywhere
Travel
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Water
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Wherever
More quotes by David Letterman
I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
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They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one.
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Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now I know this guy is presidential material.
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The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.
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If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.
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So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.
David Letterman
Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.
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Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.
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New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
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I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
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Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.
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When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'
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Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
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Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.
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Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
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Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear.
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Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
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Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.
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The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to that is yes I have. I have had sex with women who worked on this show. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would, especially for the women.
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I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.'
David Letterman
