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Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Things
Airports
Holiday
Red
Inspirational
Tell
Littles
Little
Scanning
Even
Airport
More quotes by David Letterman
Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.
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Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.
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Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.
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It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.
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The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called ' Irony.gov. '
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Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.
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Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.
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One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama's dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings.
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George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.
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A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
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There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
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Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.
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You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?
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Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'
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Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.
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