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I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
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Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
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David Michael Letterman
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More quotes by David Letterman

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Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'
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We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.
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Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush.
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The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?
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The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'
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Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother.
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A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
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But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'
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A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
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How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.
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The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.
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I spend most of my free time under the house.
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Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.
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This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.
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Them bats is smart. They use radar!
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Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
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Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.
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Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
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Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.
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The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
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