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I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
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Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.
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I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?
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The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?
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Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'
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Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.
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I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.
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CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk.
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The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
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Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.
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Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
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I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
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Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.
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My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.
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The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag
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Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
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Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'
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You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy just get ready.
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The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called ' Irony.gov. '
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Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.
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