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I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
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Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?
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I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
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Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.
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Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.
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Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.
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I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.
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Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.
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Chi-Os were ideal partners for all occasions. They were discrete, desirable, tactful, polite, and fun... Every mom dreamed of her son coming home with a Chi Omega, a woman's woman.
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I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.
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And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe.
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The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.'
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Keep in mind that your individual vote doesn't mean anything.
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I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?
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As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
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Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought, 'Really? She's the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'
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The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.
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How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.
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Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.
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It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
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You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.
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