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I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.
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Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.
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Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
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The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.
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Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes ... He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping ... He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership.... He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.
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Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.
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All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.
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United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
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I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
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President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.
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Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.
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I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.
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Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.
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The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?
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Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.
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Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.
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New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
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Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'
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If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with pool cues, who would win? 1) Ricky Schroder 2) Gary Coleman 3) The television viewing public
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I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
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