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I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
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Talk Show Host
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Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again.
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By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.' And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.
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Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.
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You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy just get ready.
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Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
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The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
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A small handgun makes any TV remote control.
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But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'
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Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.
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Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.
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Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
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You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?
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We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
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I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.
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I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on.
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Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.
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