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I spend most of my free time under the house.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Spend
Free
House
Time
More quotes by David Letterman
I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.
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John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.
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Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death -- though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.
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Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.
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I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.
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Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.
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Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.
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Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
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I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
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You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?
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Do good things for other people.
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President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
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Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'
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Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.
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I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
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The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
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The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to that is yes I have. I have had sex with women who worked on this show. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would, especially for the women.
David Letterman
Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.
David Letterman
Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.
David Letterman
I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.
David Letterman