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Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound.
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Wound
Wounds
Flesh
Worry
More quotes by David Letterman
Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.
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I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
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Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.
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They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.
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Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.
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I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!
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Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me.
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The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.
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The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.
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Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.
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Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
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The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called ' Irony.gov. '
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A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
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Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
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Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.
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It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.
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The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.
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Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?
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Love: You can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun.
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There just isn't enough televised Chess
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