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This isn't brain surgery it's just television.

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Television
Brain
Surgery

More quotes by David Letterman

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I feel like Bush presidencies are like Godfather films. You should stop at two.
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The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
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Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?
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How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.
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North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill.
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A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
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Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'
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President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too.
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I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?
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Life experience is the best teacher.
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Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'
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How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.
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There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
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I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.
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Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
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Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?
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Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother.
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Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.
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President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.
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The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.
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