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You're not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don't you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?
David Letterman
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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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Coffee
Drinking
Drink
Unless
Black
Really
Think
Monkey
Thinking
Monkeys
More quotes by David Letterman
Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.
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President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again.
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Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
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You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
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And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe.
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Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.
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The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
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Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.
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I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.
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You know, we had the elections earlier in the week, and a dead woman, in Pennsylvania, somehow was on the ballot and she was elected to city council. A dead woman actually elected! And I'm thinking, well, I guess there is still hope for Al Gore.
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Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.
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I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.
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They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.
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Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.
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Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.
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President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.
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Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg.
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I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'
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Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.
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Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.
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