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I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
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Talk Show Host
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Television Producer
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Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
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More quotes by David Letterman

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Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.
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President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too.
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Mitt Romney said he's not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.
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Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?
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I spend most of my free time under the house.
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One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.
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North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill.
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While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.
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I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.
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Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can't see her feet.
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The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.
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We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.
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CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.
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This isn't brain surgery it's just television.
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Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'
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It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.
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One of the remarkable things about being 19 is that you can break open a case of warm beer at midnight and still be wide-eyed and alert for your eight-a.m. class. And that gave me the false impression that my life would always be like that.
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The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.
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President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.
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John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.
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