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I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host.

David Letterman

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David Letterman
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: April 12
Actor
Comedian
Journalist
Talk Show Host
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Weather Presenter
Writer
Indianapolis
Indiana
David Michael Letterman
Earl Hofert
Shows
Host
Else
Witty
Cannot
Humorous
Would
Sing
Dance
Talk
Show
Funny
Fidgeting

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Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound.
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It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?
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Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'
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I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.
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Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.
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Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.
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People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.
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Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes ... He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping ... He looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership.... He looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.
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Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.
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Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.
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Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear.
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Don't kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here's how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds.
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President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
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The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
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I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.
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Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.
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I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.
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President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.
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It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.
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Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
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