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Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Back
Months
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Trying
Humor
Ninth
Every
Hand
Demanding
Years
Almost
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Year
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Gone
Hundreds
Given
Thousands
Hands
Profession
Columnist

More quotes by Dave Barry

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It is important to be nice. But sometimes niceness can be misconstrued as weak. Should we be nice to everybody? Should we be nice only when others are nice to us? Here are some interesting views about being nice. Read these nice quotes and turn on your niceness.
Dave Barry
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All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low-fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by themselves these are all connected to a special programming service called Music That Nobody Really Likes, and you cannot get away from it.
Dave Barry
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There's an old saying among scientific guys: You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane.
Dave Barry
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Someone was tapping on the window.
Dave Barry
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How can you be afraid of women?” “Those ain’t normal women.
Dave Barry
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A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.
Dave Barry
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Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these industries do not wish to see articles with headlines like: URUGUAY: DON'T BOTHER.
Dave Barry
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Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.
Dave Barry
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This is true virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content.
Dave Barry
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During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey.
Dave Barry
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I've come to realize that you're going to get criticized no matter what. Somebody will always hate what you write, especially if you write humor for a fairly broad audience. Somebody will always find it not funny and declare you're not funny anymore. And sometimes people are just crazy.
Dave Barry
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I also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left behind, spending hundreds of millions of dollars to develop World Wide Web sites in a frantic scramble to reach the vast new consumer market of Web use
Dave Barry
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Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.
Dave Barry
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The beer sold here in the United States is sweet and watery and lacking in taste and overcarbonated and just generally the lamest, wimpiest beer in the entire known world. All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
Dave Barry
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Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the size, weight, and handling characteristics of aircraft carriers but worse fuel efficiency.
Dave Barry
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Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.
Dave Barry
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Lobsters displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect, namely: 1. It has way more legs than necessary. 2. There is no way you would ever pet it. 3. It does not respond to simple commands such as Here, boy!
Dave Barry
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As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.
Dave Barry
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The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
Dave Barry
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When Prince Charles speaks, everybody pretends to be fascinated, even though he has never said anything interesting except in that intercepted telephone conversation wherein he expressed the desire to be a feminine hygeine product.
Dave Barry