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Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Good
Uncultured
Like
Grasping
Consuming
Members
Modern
Public
Art
Many

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Please try not to be such a wiener-head.
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Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and it does a remarkable job of getting New Yorkers from Point A to an indeterminate location somewhere in the tunnel leading to point B.
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RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.
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If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
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Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.
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Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
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If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.
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For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair look that was originally popularized by coconuts.
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The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
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Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
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You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, only to see the arrangements get all screwed up, when with just a single phone call you can have a trained professional screw them up for you?
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Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
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And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a 'pain in the neck,' the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life
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The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called LinkedIn.
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Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.' Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right? Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?' Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?
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American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
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I'm not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he's sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics.
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The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'
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Seriously? You won’t help me?” “Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.
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What's happened to marriage? The wedding-industrial complex. Brides get swept up in this world of obsession - it has to be your perfect day.
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