Quote

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Quoting
Primaries
Primary
Directly
Function
Constitution
Paper
Government
Spew

More quotes by Dave Barry

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A critical function that we journalists perform at political conventions is to try to get into parties that we have not been invited to. There are dozens of these parties, sponsored by large corporations with a sincere public-spirited desire to become larger.
Dave Barry
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Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and it does a remarkable job of getting New Yorkers from Point A to an indeterminate location somewhere in the tunnel leading to point B.
Dave Barry
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For a while I got into the South Pacific theater of World War II. I read American Caesar by William Manchester, the biography of General MacArthur. Because of that I ended up reading Tales of the South Pacific by James Michener and then because of that reading his Hawaii. That is what happens.
Dave Barry
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Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.
Dave Barry
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Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.
Dave Barry
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The whole thing about whether you smoke marijuana or not is so ridiculous. That and whether you protested the Vietnam War. Give me a break. Especially the marijuana thing.
Dave Barry
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I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored European suit. You also need the correct shirt and tie.
Dave Barry
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[American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect.
Dave Barry
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We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Dave Barry
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The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
Dave Barry
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UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.
Dave Barry
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There's tremendous pressure, if you're in that [goverment] system, to be involved and be interested and to care about it. There's no room to say, This is stupid.
Dave Barry
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Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.
Dave Barry
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If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.
Dave Barry
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Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.
Dave Barry
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English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.
Dave Barry
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He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife.
Dave Barry
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Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.
Dave Barry
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The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.'
Dave Barry
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A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.
Dave Barry