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I'm not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he's sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics.
Dave Barry
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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
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More quotes by Dave Barry
Here's a man who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was.
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Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.
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I read Remembrance of Things Past in the original French. I never start the day without reading me some [Marcel] Proust.
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I never stop running. I'm not one of the weenies who drop out just because the electoral college votes. I'm still in the race. I'm an extremely corrupt candidate and I stress that in case anybody in our reading audience is interested in sending me money.
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Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid
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But the feeling I have, you know, is that I'll never come close to reading all, or even a thousandth- a billionth- of the books I'd probably love if I ever got to them.
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At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: •The universe is even bigger than they thought! •There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! •Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
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San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.
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I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.
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Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.
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Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people.
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Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.
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A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.
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As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.
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Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.
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Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou.
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As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.
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I got a lot of mail from organizations concerned with bike safety. Then I got a couple from people who wanted my support for mandatory helmet laws. I can't support that. If you pass a law like that you'll do more harm than good, because you'll make people think they've done something about the problem when they haven't.
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I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?
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The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
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