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Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead.
Dave Barry
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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
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Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
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Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Policy
Reaganomics
Dead
Mao
Realizing
Reagan
Hours
Visit
Funny
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Three
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Another
Mets
China
More quotes by Dave Barry
I read Remembrance of Things Past in the original French. I never start the day without reading me some [Marcel] Proust.
Dave Barry
The whole thing about whether you smoke marijuana or not is so ridiculous. That and whether you protested the Vietnam War. Give me a break. Especially the marijuana thing.
Dave Barry
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
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One of the issues that we professional newspaper columnists are required by union regulations to voice grave concern about is the federal budget deficit, which we refer to as the mounting deficit, because every extra word helps when you have to produce a certain number of gravely concerned newsprint inches.
Dave Barry
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Dave Barry
I grew up in the Southwest Bronx. Father an accountant, mother a schoolteacher. Brother was six years older, which explains why I gobbled crystal meth at 12, smoked hashish at 13, and was shooting smack at 17, which explains how I got Hepatitis C, which was the basis of my first book, which was a humor book about dying.
Dave Barry
The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.
Dave Barry
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
Dave Barry
Note that both of these papers [the New York Post and the New York Daily News] are big sellers in a city whose residents like to go around saying they'd never live anyplace else on account of they'd miss the opera.
Dave Barry
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Dave Barry
My son, Rob....said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it.
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I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
Dave Barry
Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people.
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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry
Most of the presidential candidates' economic packages involve 'tax breaks,' which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides not to take quite so much of your income. In other words, these candidates are trying to buy your votes with your own money.
Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Dave Barry
Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.
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Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad.
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Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.
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You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
Dave Barry