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I want to gag sometimes when I see who we are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Gags
Libertarian
Vote
Sometimes
People
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More quotes by Dave Barry

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There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out.
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I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.
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American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
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Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
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Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tenative agreements.
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Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.
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Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.
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More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.
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Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and it does a remarkable job of getting New Yorkers from Point A to an indeterminate location somewhere in the tunnel leading to point B.
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What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be colonial.
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One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.
Dave Barry
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Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
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If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.
Dave Barry
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A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.
Dave Barry
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I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
Dave Barry
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When I'm writing columns, it's - all I'm thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don't care where it goes.
Dave Barry
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As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.
Dave Barry
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Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Dave Barry
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The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.
Dave Barry
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You should not confuse your career with your life.
Dave Barry