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A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Stupidity
God
Please
Pickles
Small
Stole
Came
Deer
Call
Camp
Way
Camps
Bags

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My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
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Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.
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...Terry Jackson, who is the Miami Herald's automotive writer and TV critic. That's correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars AND watch television. If he ever dies and goes to heaven, it's going to be a big let down.
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Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.
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During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey.
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.
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The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.
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I'm not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he's sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics.
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The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.
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The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, people without lives. We don't care. We have each other.
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Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]....If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by scotch tape.
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Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time today, people do this all the time.
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There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.
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What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.
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Smee! Raise the Ladies!
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DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.
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Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.
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He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife.
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His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or… …or tap him on the shoulder.
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