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Too many rocks in the mountains.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Mountains
Stupidity
God
Mountain
Rocks
Many

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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
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I'm not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he's sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics.
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Like all writers, my greatest inspiration, my ultimate muse, is a deadline.
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If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.
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DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.
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Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.
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The Internet browser... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later.
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The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.
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I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.
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Another important rule of affair-having: Never be discreet at the office.
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It is important to be nice. But sometimes niceness can be misconstrued as weak. Should we be nice to everybody? Should we be nice only when others are nice to us? Here are some interesting views about being nice. Read these nice quotes and turn on your niceness.
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Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals, drawing really spastic diagonals, trying to scrape away the silver powder from the window so you could look inside.
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If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.
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There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace.
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I don't like anything unsigned in a newspaper that purports to be the opinion of some group if we don't know who the group is. It's laughable to say that The Miami Herald's editorials or any newspaper's editorials represent any views other than those of the people writing them, so why don't we tell everybody who they are?
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We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though these cards is enough to remind you why this great nation, despite all the talk of decline, still leads the world in tranquilizer consumption.
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Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.
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My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.
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Your friends love you anyway.
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Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
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