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Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35 Chicken or Beef $2.25 Children $2.00
Dave Barry
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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Turkey
Chicken
Chickens
Stupidity
Dinner
God
Special
Beef
Children
Turkeys
More quotes by Dave Barry
The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.
Dave Barry
The beer sold here in the United States is sweet and watery and lacking in taste and overcarbonated and just generally the lamest, wimpiest beer in the entire known world. All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
Dave Barry
As you get older you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.
Dave Barry
Stache’s attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics—and a big piece if luck.
Dave Barry
Why do we shave? It doesn't seem like a natural activity. There are no examples of shaving in nature. The only creature that comes close is the male South Pacific Groping Beetle, which sometimes, just before mating, will slap on a little Aqua Velva. But we think this resulted from atomic testing.
Dave Barry
Technically, Windows is an operating system, which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.
Dave Barry
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
Dave Barry
The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'
Dave Barry
Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!
Dave Barry
Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he’d marooned her.
Dave Barry
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.
Dave Barry
But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land. (Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)
Dave Barry
Please try not to be such a wiener-head.
Dave Barry
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Dave Barry
Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.
Dave Barry
Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.
Dave Barry
Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the 'most reliable Windows ever.' To me, this is like saying that asparagus is 'the most articulate vegetable ever.'
Dave Barry
I know that all over America there's probably politicians sending out pictures of themselves signing that mandatory helmet bill, but it's bullshit. I say that as a parent.
Dave Barry
Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.
Dave Barry
I've come to realize that you're going to get criticized no matter what. Somebody will always hate what you write, especially if you write humor for a fairly broad audience. Somebody will always find it not funny and declare you're not funny anymore. And sometimes people are just crazy.
Dave Barry