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Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
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Film Producer
Humorist
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Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
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More quotes by Dave Barry

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I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.
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...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport.
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...light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe, [darkness] can be defeated.
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The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
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The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.
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Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.
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Why do we shave? It doesn't seem like a natural activity. There are no examples of shaving in nature. The only creature that comes close is the male South Pacific Groping Beetle, which sometimes, just before mating, will slap on a little Aqua Velva. But we think this resulted from atomic testing.
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I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.
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Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them a chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and the newspaper headlines say 'EVENING IN PARIS BALL RAISES MONEY TO FIGHT GOUT' instead of 'RICH PEOPLE AMUSE THEMSELVES'.
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There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out.
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Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.
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Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.
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By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing Sixties music. They called it Classic Rock, because they knew we'd be upset if they came right out and called it what it is, namely middle-aged-person nostalgia music.
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We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
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You might have mentioned this to me Molly,” said Leonard. “The fact that there are hostile natives on the island.” “I forgot,” said Molly. “You forgot?” said Leonard. “There’s been a lot happening,” said Molly.
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Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.
Dave Barry
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Just get on any major highway, and eventually it will dead-end in a Disney parking area large enough to have its own climate, populated by large nomadic families who have been trying to find their cars since the Carter administration.
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During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey.
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I know that all over America there's probably politicians sending out pictures of themselves signing that mandatory helmet bill, but it's bullshit. I say that as a parent.
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It was not easy victory in the America Cup. Our boys spent years experimenting with different designs for their boat before they came up with the innovative idea of having a submerged nuclear submarine tow it.
Dave Barry