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Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Inside
Cities
Miami
Wash
Drivers
Attempt
Pass
Car

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What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.
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Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.
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Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight.
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One of the issues that we professional newspaper columnists are required by union regulations to voice grave concern about is the federal budget deficit, which we refer to as the mounting deficit, because every extra word helps when you have to produce a certain number of gravely concerned newsprint inches.
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Never lick a steak knife.
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If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
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I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.
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Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
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I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.
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I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers.
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Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.
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You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.
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As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.
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All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low-fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by themselves these are all connected to a special programming service called Music That Nobody Really Likes, and you cannot get away from it.
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Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.
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One I'm deeply into is Doris Kearns Goodwin's Team of Rivals. I was the only person in the US who hadn't read it.
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I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?
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There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.
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By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing Sixties music. They called it Classic Rock, because they knew we'd be upset if they came right out and called it what it is, namely middle-aged-person nostalgia music.
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