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Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
People
Radio
Dear
Travel
Places
Plug
Funny
Plugs
Stuff
Hotel
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This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer.
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2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on.
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The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
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I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?
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I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
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If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.
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The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called LinkedIn.
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The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
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The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.
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Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.
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Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals, drawing really spastic diagonals, trying to scrape away the silver powder from the window so you could look inside.
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DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.
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I read Remembrance of Things Past in the original French. I never start the day without reading me some [Marcel] Proust.
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The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, people without lives. We don't care. We have each other.
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Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.
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See, when the government spends money, it creates jobs whereas when the money is left in the hands of taxpayers, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.
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I'm not sure you can count as history, was Keith Richards's Life, which he so modestly titled it. I did find it a fascinating book. Keith's a pretty honest fellow.
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I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
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I never had the vaguest idea whether any of it had anything to do with me, especially being a sixth grader. When I got older and traveled, I'd read about the history of where I was going. I'd be like, Oh, history is kind of interesting.
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I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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