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Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.
Dave Barry
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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Fifteen
Unless
Japan
Gets
Count
Indicted
Taking
Humorous
Bribes
Minutes
Lows
Approximately
Fact
Rate
Bribe
Funny
Entire
Cabinet
Facts
Cabinets
Every
Crime
More quotes by Dave Barry
Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
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In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats.
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The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called LinkedIn.
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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I never had the vaguest idea whether any of it had anything to do with me, especially being a sixth grader. When I got older and traveled, I'd read about the history of where I was going. I'd be like, Oh, history is kind of interesting.
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[American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect.
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I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.
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Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
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I'm one of those people who tells my wife, No coaching from the sidelines.
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One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.
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The Internet browser... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later.
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...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport.
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Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.
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She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with her flowing hair, to see her cry.
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Never lick a steak knife.
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It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to get involved in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.
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This is true virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat content.
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His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or… …or tap him on the shoulder.
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Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.
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Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.
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