Quote

Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Wrong
Dogs
Unerring
Funny
Humorous
Lick
Trying
Senses
Nurturing
Something
Instinct
Guided
Ears
Instantly
Dog
Timeless
Female
Earnest
Humor
Tries

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Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
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I'm not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he's sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics.
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2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on.
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Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
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Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven't had four beers.
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The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
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Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these industries do not wish to see articles with headlines like: URUGUAY: DON'T BOTHER.
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At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: •The universe is even bigger than they thought! •There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! •Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
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When I'm writing columns, it's - all I'm thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don't care where it goes.
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I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds.
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The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
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I read Remembrance of Things Past in the original French. I never start the day without reading me some [Marcel] Proust.
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Here in Miami, on weekends, amusement-seekers will come to the marina, set up folding chairs, and spend a highly entertaining day watching boat owners perform comical maneuvers such as forgetting to set their parking brakes and having their cars roll down the ramp and disappear, burbling gaily, below the surface.
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I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.
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Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a dynamite tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
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The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.
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