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Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Important
Nation
Tragically
Humor
Boast
Week
Sophisticated
Nations
Canada
Lasts
Humorous
Last
Destroyed
Cosmopolitan
Funny
Majors
Boasting
Culture
Major
Beavers

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My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
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One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.
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Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.
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Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.
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Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
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American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
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Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.
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2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal to tackle him and drag him back on.
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We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about any wacky thing they tell us, especially if it involves outer space.
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There's tremendous pressure, if you're in that [goverment] system, to be involved and be interested and to care about it. There's no room to say, This is stupid.
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If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2. They are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal.
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At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say excuse me. Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the New York City subway. The other passengers would take it as a sign of weakness, and there'd be a fight over who got to keep your ears as a trophy.
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The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.
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We constantly see surveys that reveal this ignorance, especially among our high school students,78 percent of whom, in a recent nationwide multiple-choice test, identified Abraham Lincoln as 'a kind of lobster.' That's right: more than three quarters of our nation's youth could not correctly identify the man who invented the telephone.
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Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!
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See, when the government spends money, it creates jobs whereas when the money is left in the hands of taxpayers, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.
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I have never had a point in my life to make. I'm just trying to entertain the reader.
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I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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