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It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to get involved in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
People
Involved
Implements
Came
Proving
American
Sharp
Funny
Readers
America
Humorous
Problem
Decide
Best
Prove
Really
Reader

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You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, only to see the arrangements get all screwed up, when with just a single phone call you can have a trained professional screw them up for you?
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The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt.
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I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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Any parent that relies on any law to help him parent is an idiot.
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I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.
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No man had ever knocked little Richard down. But of course Ammm was not a man.
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Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
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I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.
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Reading... a vacation for the mind.
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My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.
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I've come to realize that you're going to get criticized no matter what. Somebody will always hate what you write, especially if you write humor for a fairly broad audience. Somebody will always find it not funny and declare you're not funny anymore. And sometimes people are just crazy.
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How can you be afraid of women?” “Those ain’t normal women.
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If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.
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Actually, there are people from all ove - not just Latin America, certainly not just Cuba, but all over Europe, all over the United States. I like that. I like knowing a lot of different types of people. And I can afford to live in a relatively safe part of Miami.
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Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.
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You can use the Internet to find out, from anywhere on the planet: exactly how much coffee is in a certain coffee machine at Cambridge University in England exactly how many sodas are available in certain vending machines at certain major universities and much, much more.
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One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.
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The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
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Seriously? You won’t help me?” “Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.
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