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Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

Dave Barry

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Dave Barry
Age: 77
Born: 1947
Born: July 3
Actor
Author
Columnist
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Satirist
Writer
Armonk (New York)
David McAlister Barry
David Barry
Humor
Board
Food
Boards
Trouble
Roll
Hand
Humorous
Funny
Gun
Keep
Dinner
Musk
Hands
Kill
Airlines
Taking
Airline

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A critical function that we journalists perform at political conventions is to try to get into parties that we have not been invited to. There are dozens of these parties, sponsored by large corporations with a sincere public-spirited desire to become larger.
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Line printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
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The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.
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One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet
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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
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In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats.
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I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
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If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
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Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
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The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
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Generally the pythons are better than anything else at killing.
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Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.
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Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a dynamite tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
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Smee! Raise the Ladies!
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If you look at photos of the Gettysburg Address there's a guy off to the right who I think is Keith Richards.
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The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.
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There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails and voices downstairs yelling HOW DO YOU FLUSH THESE TOILETS?
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Headbangers' are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking their instruments and shrieking angrily, apparently because somebody has stolen all their shirts.
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